Nicholas Smith Memorial Foundation

Nicholas Smith Memorial Foundation

by Denise Smith

I see that smile every day, you know the one, the smile that says everything’s ok, I’m fine, nothing to worry about, except … that smile is only in the pictures that hang on the wall, and in your loving memories. The smile that hid the pain of our precious Nicholas.

Nicholas was a happy child growing up, and he loved school, sports and family, especially his younger brother Eric. He was very athletic, playing hockey and baseball from a young age. He also played soccer and even tried lacrosse and belonged to the Lucan Stingrays swim team, where he had a killer butterfly stroke. He never struggled in school, always achieving good grades and winning some school achievement awards. Sports and school were his life, and he seemed to be able to accomplish both with very little effort.

It was in his teens when things seemed to change. His sports and schooling were still going, but he started to struggle with other things life had to offer. We’re not exactly sure when this loveable little red-headed boy, with the big smile and bright blue eyes, began to change inside. He’d always smile and tell us things were ok, and later we’d find out that people who struggle on the inside will do anything to hide what’s hurting them. Always happy and making people laugh, but on the inside he felt everything falling apart around him.

Nick refused to tell us he was hurting because he didn’t want to be a burden on anyone. At this point, he began to doubt his worth to people, and especially himself. No matter what accomplishments he had, it never seemed to make him believe he was ok.

As his parents, we’d always tell him that we loved him for even trying. Things were typical for any teen going through life. He had his relationships, his sports, his school, and later on he’d become an electrical apprentice. He continually confided in his brother about what he was going to buy for and do with his car, girls, sports, and everything else brothers talk about. But still he showed no signs of struggle, at least not to us.

October 6, 2019 was the day that we as a family would feel his struggles. By saying this, we don’t mean we felt what he was going through, but we felt the pain of his life slip through our hands. On this day, Nicholas took his own life, and the demons took him.

At first you feel the disbelief that this has happened, then you begin to replay every day leading up to his passing to try to see what you’ve missed. Did Nick show any signs, what did we miss, are we bad parents for not seeing or knowing what was happening?

All these questions will never be answered. Only Nicholas knows for sure what was happening inside his mind. But somewhere along the way, the darkness that he was battling started to make him doubt everything about himself. He knew that his family and friends loved him, and it’s hard to say, but he found it hard to love himself. Every success to him felt like a failure and that’s what his mind believed.

And so we don’t say goodbye, because we know he’s always with us. In Nick’s passing, we struggle to find answers, but through the Nicholas Smith Memorial Foundation, we’re trying to help others before it’s too late. We’ll always love him for who he is and what he’d become – it’s just a little harder to let him know.